Revelations!!! : 10/30/2000

Or, like grandma used to say: "What the FUCK is wrong with you, huh?"

Computer is finally, FINALLY fixed. I'd use it for an hour, somethin would fuck up. Take it in. Get it back. Use it for another hour. Freeze and crash. Take it in. Get it back. etc etc..

So, I'm back for good now (cue moaning and whining) and what do I come back to? CLASSIC RMHH! Ya'll are fuckin KILLIN me with this old school greatness. Everyone's at everyone's throats, white kids and black kids gettin all pissy at each other, the endless "to dun or not to dun" shit, and you know, it's GREAT! BEAUTIFUL entertainment. Beef beef beef beef beef. We like to pretend it's all about deep conversation and digging into what REALLY makes hip hop tick, but c'mon ya'll...you know you just wanna see cats get worked up and call each other faggots and pussies and measure their dicks online. it's fuckin GREAT!

The luster of "Jackass" is starting to dim. I'd fall on my ass laughing at some of that stupid shit (the taser, the guy in the devil suit, the shot to the head with the pillow, beating your dad up all day long) but now it's like "3001 things you can do with shit." and yunno, shit is fun to play with, apparently, but I don't wanna watch that much. But Puking is cool, I guess. High tolerance for Puke, but low for Shit, I guess that's the lesson for today.

College Hip Hop radio is irritating me. U of O has their little late night hip hop hour, and I finally got to tune in as opposed to running around town with Cru, or absentmindedly masturbating while watching G-String Divas or some shit like that. anyway, I'm listening, and I dunno, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna launch into a tired retread of a stance ya'll are sick of, but I just dont' get why underground hip hop has, for the most part, neglected to funk. In any way, shape or form. Pushing boundaries is cool and all, but I'm also of the mind that the boundaries are necessary, in order to harness that creativity. It's like people are going "let's push the envelope..hmm..*I* know! Lets get rid of the idea that bars and measures are necessary, and we'll stick a chorus in anywhere, and, uh...that whole "in time" thing? Fuck that, we'll just kinda ramble on..like beat poetry, except more jumbled." I mean, it's probably this guys selection (he was playing some good shit, too,)--it's just it was outweighed 75% by the really terrible, horrible shit--or maybe that's just how the underground works, and that's another
discussion. But what I wanna know is: Why can't cats get abstract and deep over a beat that swings, that hits on the one, that has some bottom to it? Why is "advanced" subject matter used ONLY on beats that don't beat? And why is something that can get you to nod your head and shake your ass only to be used on a battle track, or a money track? It's almost as if the REALLY advanced and avant garde thing to do would be to have anticon, for example, fuck with some Roy Ayers and James Brown samples. Would kids dismiss it because of the sound? actually, yo:

that's the project for you kiddies...

You got Anticon 12"? Sole, Dose, Them...find acappella versions, and then mix together a FUNKY as FUCK beat. Throw the vocals over that. Does it work? Why or why not? or is the idea of it throwing you off..why or why not?

Pioneer amp with Dolby Digital and DTS sound...Movie geek heaven. Oh my LORD, I'm killin it. I need a better sub, but I'm tweakin the box right now, and I replaced the actual driver in the box with an old Kicker 10" and hooked it up NICE. mmmmmm...I HIGHLY recommend.

Playstation 2 kids: Madden 2001 is fuckin NUTS. BUT: I'm hearing NFL 2K1 on Dreamcast is almost, if not just as tight as Madden. What's the word, you fucking geeky fucks you? Because I'm LEANING towards PS2..but Dreamcast is cheaper and has dope as FUCK games and will be able to get online sooner than PS2 is..so, if me and, say.. Fthenos, that shit talking canuck, wanna go head up in NBA 2K1 to see WHOSE team really would work the other over, we can log on and do that shit. PS2's capabilities of doing this are pretty far off, if I understand
correctly.

Note to those who asked for a script. You fuckers are LACKING in your feedback. Give it to me. Dis the shit out of me if you must, I don't care. And you lazy bastards who STILL haven't hooked up with the OCK review..welchin bastards.

In a related note, for those who have braved my stupidity this long...Me and Fee got a lil sumpin in the works again..but it'll be a bit. I don't know if Fee wants me to spill the beans yet, but fuck him, he's in Canada, what's he gonna do, huh? More shit talkin, and more Tony1er beats.

Speakin of Canada, Fatboy's funky daydream number 3089: Bush gets elected, and the next day the news reports the amazing and unexpected mass exodus of millions upon millions of young americans flooding the Canadian border. America's population drops by 10 %.

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER IN A THEATER YET, DO SO! NOW! Those of who have been around this shithole for a minute, you know I used to rant and rave about Drunken Master II (the original title of the flick) on here for awhile as being the best Kung Fu movie ever. And it is. Go peep this shit on the big screen. They rescored it and it's dubbed, but unless you're a hardcore fuckin movie geek like me anyway, you probably don't give a shit, and prefer dubbed versions instead of subtitles.

Frivolous moment of the day for no other reason than that I was looking at the tube: Finest white girls in Hollywood:

1. Jennifer Connelly
2. Tiffani Amber Thiessen
3. Katie Holmes

Feel free to disagree and offer up your own ideas.

RMHH heads who watch BET..Email campaign to get rid of that digital chickenhead Cita. Lets do this. Actually, I just wanna see if that abomination of pixelation will "read" my shit on the air. But if she can be replaced by, say, a digital creation that isn't a terrible, horrible, irritating as fuck stereotype of a stereotype (or hell, even a REAL chickenhead. The cost has GOTTA be cheaper for that) then I think we'll have done some good in this world.

Funniest MTV revelation: Big Boi has a shark named Billy Ocean. That cracked me up for some reason.

And news for most of the RMHH readers. A revelation. EVEN BIGGER than that I'm NOT REALLY ALL THAT FAT...even HUGER than the fact I DONT EAT RAMEN ANYMORE..

What could be bigger, you say, as you lean forward to your screen in anticipation, drool plinking off the keyboards?

I don't hate Chino as much as I used to and thus, have had him replaced as the object of utter scorn and derision in this ng by me. I heard some shit up at "tha-real.com" and was like "damn..kid ain't so bad anymore.." Now, granted, his earlier shit is still like biting down on tinfoil with a mouthful of fillings to me, but I can see myself maybe kinda diggin Chino's new album, if in the right frame of mind. And if the beats are decent.

So who has been chosen to replace the hated Chino? What utter fool, bitch, punk bastard son of a whoremaster has been elevated to most hated status? I think ya'll know..

Yes. Fred Durst. Soul sucker, style stealer, scene pimper, hated by many, legitimized, strangely, by many..yet I will NEVER EVER cave to his fratboy appeal and horrendous sense of rhyme and style. EVER.

Related to this: Why is "hater" a bad thing? huh? Why is that used as an insult? to me, it almost reads as "Man, you just don't like it because..um..because you actually have some discerning taste..hater."

What the fuck happened to Jodeci? Anyone got the scoop on that? "Show, After Party, Hotel" is in my tape deck, and that shit is still the fuckin move. Did DeVante's ego go careening out of control, or did Dru Hill just kinda make em say "Fuck it?" Anyone know?

Okay, I guess I'm done for the time being.

Fuck Fred Durst,
Fatboy

Quick! Stop him before he kills again!: 7/14/2000

Or as they say in Muskogee: "This velcro on my gloves? It's so the sheep don't try to run...heh heh heh.."

So, just saw X-Men. It's good. Not spectacular, but good.
Definite matinee movie, for sure. Wolverine gets all the
best lines, and Magneto gets the rest of em. I'd pay 5 bucks
to see it again...but not 7.50 or 8 or whatever the hell
movie theaters are charging fools to sit in their little
caves for. Hell, that's not the big scam, peoples. You know
it, I know it, but it's still a scam the CIA would be proud
of. Hell, their crack experiment on america pales in
comparison to getting patrons to willingly cough up 3.50 for
a 32 oz. cup of Coke that's 3/4ths ice in the first place.
Or the extra 50 cents for butter....THAT'S not even BUTTER.
I worked at a movie theater for 2 years...the butter comes
in these jugs already liquid. We have to heat it up forever
just to get it warm. Whatever chemical concoction that shit
is, All I know is that it doesn't congeal. It's flavored
slime that people slather all over their salty as hell
popcorn. Why not just coat the shit in sand and motor oil, I
don't know. Now if you'll pardon me, I gotta pause to finish
off this Ramen...

Stashed in the Vault: To those that appreciated the RMHH for
beginners post, I had started, about a 7 or 8 months ago, to
write a script. to write THE script. Yes. A dialog laden,
laughs a minute, wacky, caper, action, suspense, drama
script that would lure Hollywood to my door in a heartbeat:

RMHH: The Movie.

Never finished it, because while the challenge in writing a
script based on a newsgroup (it'll be done, eventually, I'm
telling you. Who'da thought they made a movie out of Email
"You've got Mail") was kinda fun...there's only so much you can do. and I'm a lazy ass, and didn't really want to work
on it and post it as opposed to watching a few flicks.
Anyway, I can tell you that it was the story of 3 different
sets of RMHH'ers on their way to the first ever RMHH
convention. Crazy hijinks and wacky stunts ensue for all
three camps, and people learn about themselves, and how to
treat others on the way (cough--sick jokes and cruelty to
others--cough cough). And the movie, of course, for it's
heartwarming end, climaxes with a huge free for all between
all the backpackers, geeks, hardasses, college boys and
street kids, throwin blows and crackin skulls. Flash starts
it. I eat some Ramen. It's great.

Anyway, Swing Set by J5 is killing me. I know I said the
shit last RandomDiscomwhathefuckever, but still...the horns
kick in at the end, and it's like my fat ass has happy feet.
It's been awhile since a hip hop song has made ME wanna bust
out my old school moves..actually, they're not so old
anymore, are they, since NSYNC and Backstreet have basically
recycled all those. Actually, anyone noticed NSYNC got their
own patented move now? That jump-up-and-down-and-pout move?
It's like they link from that to the
angry-face-and-STOMP-move. Great choreography. The Chinese
Typewriter will be back soon, I'm telling you.

I can't remember if I talked about this one last time,
either, but Perfect Dark on the N64 has taken control of my
mind, and my hands (much to my penis' chagrin.. ha
ha.....ha....heh...uhm.....who said that?) That game is TOO
dope. Anyone out there rockin it lately? Gimme some hints as
how to beat challenge 18, okay, because them big head alien
bastards kick the shit out of me every time. Yunno what else
is cool? The way people scream and their blood hits the
wall. Some of em twitch and shit after you plug em. And the
guns are dope as fuck. Oh, yo, hold on...my roomate is
playing some wack as fuck gangster shit..I gotta tell him to
turn that wack ass "Buck Buck" shit off.

This would be a good moment to pause, stretch, ponder
existence, whatever. Hell, that probably doesn't take as
long as it does to slog through this post. Which is only
about half done, by the way. Get some chips or something.
I'll be here.

Tales from Circuit City, part III: So, I'm a delivery driver
now, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the
sharky shark sharkticon sales counselors (read: lying
bastards) do not give a shit at all about the delivery
drivers once they get the 10 dollar commision or whatever in
their greasy flippers, they're done. Meanwhile, I gotta
drive all over town because they took down directions like
"Take a left on that one street after that one video store," or I gotta go back to the store because they set up one
thing for delivery, but, visions of dollar signs dancing in
front of their eyes, they forgot to set up the other 3
fuckin things I had to deliver..

Anyway, just to quickly establish, they're worse than car
salesman. So Sunday, they fuck up 3 of our deliveries, and
their sales manager helped fuck up at least 2 of them,
because he's a spineless greedy cocksmoker. Anyway, one of
the deliveries, after driving around for 10 minutes trying
to find the motherfucker, we find it, and we have to like,
break down the fridge to it's elemental compounds just to
get it through the front fucking door, and then rebuild the
bastard in the kitchen. Of course before we can do that, we
gotta remove the old fridge that Old McDonald or whatever
has had since dirt was new. And farmboy hasn't apparently
CLEANED the motherfucker since then, either, because there's
this thick, sticky, yellowish substance all up and down the
back and sides of the relic. It looks like cheese, it feels
like cheese..but it ain't fuckin cheese. I don't know what
the fuck it is, but I think it's alive..it smells funny.
Anyway, we gotta haul that dripping fucking mess out.

We do, and we install the new fridge, and we're on our way
back down the driveway. Literally. There's nowhere to turn
our 10 ton truck around, so we have to back down this narrow
ass driveway, lined by old, creaky plum trees. Old McDonald
calls out "Don't worry about crackin a few branches, I'm
gonna prune a lot of em anyway." So, George, the weekend
driver, starts to back up, knuckles a little less white
because of that fact.

So he fucks around and splits a tree in half.

Almost. He caught a branch and it split almost down to the
ground. Old McDonald didn't much mind, though, honestly. Oh,
he came down with a serious look on his face like, "Well,
that's gonna run Circuit City about 500 dollars."

George shits in his pants.

"Nawww, just kiddin youngster. Thank you, actually. That
saves me a lot of prunin'"

So old man's happy, I'm happy, George is trying to even the
load in his shorts out, and we're on our way. Back to
Circuit City. I pull my manager aside, and show him the 3 or
4 delivery tickets that are utterly fucked up by Sales
Manager Fuck and his happy band of retarded mongloid car
salesmen. I start my little rant about how the idiots need
some sort of training as to how to set up deliveries
properly, and Sales Manager Fuck walks in midway, waits for
me to finish my rant, and then calmly says

"Well, that's okay, at least I'm not out there running plum trees over."

I'm like WHAT THE FUCK YOU ROCKY FROM "MASK" LOOKIN,
ENCEPHALITIS HAVIN PEG DICK? WHAT THE FUCK DOES A PLUM TREE
HAVE TO DO WITH YOU SPREADING YOUR STUPIDITY DISEASE AMONG
YOUR TROLL LIKE MINIONS?

But what happens is my manager has a minor heart attack and
looks at me all accusingly.

"Hey, *I* wasn't driving."

So anyway, I'm catching heat because George hit a plum tree,
meanwhile the Elephant Man is off whistling happily, ready
to go fuck another clueless customer right in the cornhole.
But I'm getting paid 10.50 an hour, so fuck it, I guess...

Wow, was that a pointless and really long story. I guess if
you had to pull a moral out of that...it would be PLEASE
clean that weird cheese organism off your old ass fridge
before you have it hauled away, just out of common decency,
please.

Yunno what's fucked up? An insult phrased as a helpful
comment.

"You smell musky."
Translation: "Take a shower, fat ass."

I heard there was a D'Angelo/Dilated Peoples concert goin
around. Someone confirm this. I MUST see Babu, live, again.
oh yeah, Iriscience and Evidence are cool too. And that one
guy with the cornrows.

That new jamie foxx movie looks all kinds of fucked up. Is
it a comedy? is it a thriller? a heartfelt action piece? I
don't know, but the trailer's trying to make it look like
all three things. I like Foxx, he's hilarious, (Booty Call.
Watch Booty Call.) but this shit just looks horrible. I want
an Any Given Sunday sequel. "All About Willie" Honestly, his work in that was pretty good.

Okay, I'm done. There was some other shit, but in the midst
of writing this opus of nothingness, my short ass attention
span has forgotten it.
to those of you that suffered through: Wow. Gluttons for
pain, every last one of you. You should try out for survivor
II or somethin. Responses and remarks and whatnot are
welcome, of course.

My name is Willie--BEEMAN! I get the ladies--CREEMIN!
Fatboy

Random Discombobulated: 7/5/2000

or as it's known in the Emerald City of Eugene, Oregon: KILL
MY ISP

Speakin of my new resting place, apparently it's got quite
the reputation as a destructive hippie haven. Lotta
unshaven, smelly angry people here breaking windowns and
staging sit ins on lawns...and then, to contrast that, it's
a university town, so damn near everyone else is stuck up,
preppy white kids. And their parents. Pretty fractured and
weird. Makes for an interesting living place, no doubt
there. Although the graf is fuckin WEAK. Motherfuckers
runnin around tagging up C.C. on stop signs like Charles
Schultz rose from the grave and picked up a can of Krylon.

BUT: The train yards out here are pretty fuckin nice. ALWAYS
a fat piece or two on the railcars you see go by.

Tales of MTV...Shouldn't Tyrese be trying to make another
album? What a fucking idiot.

Lil Kim has passed from doing nasty shit, saying nasty shit,
to just being fucking nasty. I thought it was MC Lyte in
heavy makeup at first, lookin at her video. And that song is
pretty damn booty. Is Redman fuckin her or somethin?

R. Kelly: Bad Man. wow. rhyme street with street for one
verse. Block with block for another verse. Speak on how you
do such bad things. But DON'T speak on how you married a
fifteen year old who pimped your freaky ass, who now has
more musical respect than you, and apparently has managed to
not get caught in the same "You Are Not Alone/I believe I
Can Fly" rut your ass HAS got caught in.

Try again is STILL wack. That beat is sorry. And the singin
and lyrics just don't hold it for me.

The scratch your head category: The credits for "Hello"
read: Ice Cube, Featuring NWA, with Dr. Dre and MC Ren.

Funniest shit I've ever seen Ice Cube do? The "An intimate
look inside the acting process with Ice Cube" on the "Three
Kings" DVD. Directed by Spike Jonze.

I've been fuckin diggin "Swing Set" off J5's shit. I always
like Cut Chemist and Nu-Mark's little noodlings. Them and
Breakestra should do an instrumental album.

Speaking of Cut and Nu Mark...why Incubus? blech. That
"pardon me" song is pretty fuckin terrible. About the only
part I can stand is the Cut Chemist break before the second
verse.

Trying to sleep on 4th of July night was kinda hard..I tried
to go to bed around 10, but everything was fuckin exploding
outside. it was kinda cool..but still.

Perfect Dark is pretty dope. I wasn't diggin it at first,
but all those simulant challenges and shit makes it nice as
hell.

Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football? Dope. I'll be
watching for three reasons: 1)to see if he deflates Al
Michaels talking head every now and again (wish Boomer was
still around so he could deflate HIS fuckin ass. And then we
could send him to NBC to make Phil Simms look retarded) 2)
To see if he can actually get a word in without making the
word a 2 hour speech 3) to see if he'll fuck up and say
"Fuck." I bet ABC's gonna have the shit on a 3 second time
delay for the first show.

Actually, they should have just got rid of the whole prior
cast and gotten Dennis Miller, George Carlin and Chris Rock
to do Monday Night Football.

Terminator 3? no Need. Indy 4? no need. Matrix 2 and 3? No
need. (still looking forward, especially with Jet Li cast,
but still no need) Hollywood going over and over it's old
ground, grinding out the same shit over and over again, but
you know what REALLY needs to be made?

RMHH: the movie.

...or not.

Bush is gonna fuck around and win this election. Why doesn't
Gore just slap Bush's face on a screen, against a red
background, with the number 137 over his face. And then a
voice over saying "This man killed this many people in ONE
YEAR." Or another one saying "Remember what happened when
his DAD was in office? CIA? Vice President? President? And
you KNOW junior here isn't smart enough to run this country
by himself!" and then cut to a picture of a marionette Bush
in front of the white house, with good old George Sr.
looming over the white house, pulling the strings.

If Bush is elected, there WILL be World War III. I fuckin
guarantee it.

The inner geek rejoices: Star Wars Episode II is filming.

Anyway, I'm about done, my ISP's been working remarkably
well for about an hour straight now, and that scares me...So
I'll hurry up and post this shit before it crashes down
around my fat ass.

Coming soon: "Asshole" by Fatboy Roberts. Produced, Written
and performed by Fatboy Roberts. As soon as I get off my
lazy ass and convert it to mp3 and find a site to post it
at. Feedback will be welcome.

Posting as long as my ISP lets me,
Fatboy

No corny subtitle this time: 6/7/2000

No corny subtitle this time.

Anyway...

People. Go. Buy a DVD player. Then, after you've hooked it
up, go buy Fight Club on DVD. Trust me on this one.

I dont' think I can ever eat at Subway again. I had a sub
last night, a nice, bomb tastin turkey sub, but with no
peppers or onions, because onions only taste good in
marinara sauce to me, and peppers, eh..I prefer pickles.
Anyway, it was after a REALLY long day at work (12 1/2
hours) driving a delivery truck, and I knew I needed to eat
at least ONCE that day, so I had the sub. And then, about 2
hours later, I wake up, and rush to the bathroom and in
three, huge, "Stand By Me"-barf-o-rama style blasts,
proceeded to chunk up the entire 12 inch sub. Whether or not
it was the sub that did it, I don't think I can disassociate
the image of the mess in the bathtub from the logo of
Subway. Too bad. I liked that place.

What do you guys do, in the laundromat, when that smelly
chain smoking motherfucker with the three teeth starts
talking to you? Do you actually go ahead and make
conversation, or do you wait for the first possible pause in
speaking to say "hah hah..I gotta go check something" and
bounce. Doesn't have to be a laundromat, either, like maybe
an elevator or waiting in line for a big mac or
something..what do you do?

Next Friday without Smokey is like En Vogue without Dawn. It
*can* be enjoyable, but it's mostly blah.

While I'm on my movie geek phase--Real Ill Film Moments:

"I Know it was you, Fredo." --Michael Corleone, "Godfather
pt. II." That scene fuckin kills it for me. Imagine having
to order the death of your brother.

"And just like that--he was gone."--Verbal Kint, "Usual
Suspects." Perfect capper to your mind humming along with
Agent Kujon's, and arriving at the same point at the same
time.

"braaaaziiiillll--hmm hmm hmm hmmm..."-Sam Lowry, "Brazil."
I've told ya'll before, but check this fuckin (I know it
sounds cliche) fever dream of a movie out. He sings this as
the credits roll. this is where, you, as the viewer, realize
that you've gotten exhausted just sitting in a chair for 2
hours.

"Get away from her you BITCH"--Ellen Ripley, "Aliens." James
Cameron at his best. Fuck Titanic. He ain't ever gotten
better than this flick.

"You have 10 seconds to comply"--ED 209, "Robocop" I think
this was the first time I found out I have a pretty sick
sense of humor. I was maybe 12, and laughed my fat little
ass off as the poor schmuck holding the gun got popped.
"Someone call a goddam paramedic!"

Quick Tip for RMHH heads. This is the first time in about 3
years of reading, that this group has been extensively
crossposted and trolled that I can remember. It happens A
LOT in a couple other groups, but I've never seen it happen
here. Sure, we get a couple assholes who wanna be retarded,
but they usually don't go on huge sprees like this new guy.
The only way he will stop is if YOU IGNORE HIM. Killfile
him, skip his shit, whatever. All he wants are responses.
that's it. Once you stop responding, he goes away. Nothing
is gained by trying to debate with him, as he probably
doesn't even read the responses, just the thread length.

insult of the month: Flake. I'm using this one a lot.
"That's a flaky fuckin bitch right there" "You fuckin
flake." it lends itself easily to the other insult of
"Crumb," too, which was always, I thought, a pretty good
term. "Scrub," too. Until TLC blew it up.

If ya'll haven't, go pick up the soundtrack to "Out of
Sight." probably the best soundtrack I've heard in the last
3 years. Funky instrumental shit, and it actually
intersperses chunks of dialog here and there, so listening
to the album, you kind of get a feel as to where the movie
is going without having actually watched it. You should
watch the movie, too, actually. Back when Jennifer Lopez
still had ass.

I guess I'm done.

like ma bell, I got the ill communication,
Fatboy

The triumphant return: 4/28/2000

Or as the green midgets in jumpsuits like to say: "Oompa Loompa, Doompadee-Doo" The handyman at our new pad is obviously a retard. I've been without internet access for awhile now because the phone jack in the back room wasn't working at all...I of course call the landlord. "We'll send someone right over.." He looks at it, says "I don't know what's wrong, call uswest" I call uswest, and they say "It'll cost you 60 just to have someone come out and look at it, and after an hour, it's even more money. You should call an electrician" I call the electrician: "Well, it's 60 an hour, and the hour starts as soon as you tell me what the problem is on the phone." So I'm outside with a screwdriver, fuckin with the phone box, I have to push through two trees to get to it. While I'm trying to crack it open, I feel an itch on my arm. I look down, and about 20 ants are swarming it. I look in the tree, and the branches appear to be crawling. I'm a little pussy when it comes to bugs, too...but dammit, I MUST have my internet. So, I'm poking around...and all that's wrong is that there's two wires disconnected. I was about to pay 60 bucks to have some moneygrubbin motherfucker twist two wires together...although it might have been worth it to have the ants eat him alive Eminem's kinda cutesy as a girl, aint he? And for all his bitchin about the whole "I don't wanna get lumped in with the boy bands" thing, in that making of the video special, he was acting just like that irritating kid from Hanson and that stupid blond bitch from NSync.. And yes, I've been watching way too much MTV lately. After a 4 year absence, I came back to it, thank you digital cable. I wasn't missing much. Back to Em: "Will Smith ain't gotta curse to go platinum, but I do. So fuck him and fuck you too" Had me laughin my ass off, along with the "Dre's dead in my basement" shit. Big Pimpin=Summer Anthem...I can tell already. but it's UGK that make that song, straight out. Also, any progress on the RMHH III thing? Someone give me a rundown. Also, a summary on the little tiffs, arguments, and main points of what I missed discussion-wise in our wonderful little cyber home called RMHH would be nice, too, if ya'll felt like wasting a shitload of time to please one fat self-indulgent Star Wars episode one watchin, lazy as fuck eatin too many Chips Ahoy recently moved kid in Oregon. It'd be much appreciated. a Salem story (they're funnier to me now since I've moved) maybe it's happened to some of ya'll...I was at crew's house up there, and kid was telling me a story about how one of the crew hanger on's was there with like, 4 girls. Shit was proceeding lovely, both crew, crew groupies, and the girls were getting nicely liquored up. Then this one kid, we call him Little Joe, jumps up, and grabs a microphone attached to a stereo and puts on the Big Kap and Funk Flex cd. puts on the biggie and Pac track. He then, with the attention of about 20 people in the room, shouts out "Yo, I'm BIGGIE! Who wants to be Tupac! Let's battle! I'm Biggie! Naw, I'll be Tupac, because ya'll don't know Tupac's shit! You can't bust from the heart like I can!" The girls: gone in 2 minutes The crew: Clownin and throwin 40 bottles and little joe for pullin that unbelievably wack shit The crew groupies: Stunned and confused that such an obviously fun game was deemed unbelievably wack by crew. And that dear friends, is that for this edition. Hopefully my news server will be fixed, and I won't have to fuck with this deja shit. I'll be back. And hell yeah that's a threat. Remember what it was like when I was HERE? (pause for shuddering and grinding teeth from RMHH members) I gotta go, there's barbecue on. And NOTHING's stopping my hittin that shit up. What, no paper towels? Well, I guess these pants are lookin raggy anyway..... Fatboy
Too Much Free Time: 3/11/2000

It's been a long time, I haven't bit Steve Jackson, Tre
Boogie, and Tony1er in quite awhile, but I'm feeling sharky
today, and as the title says, I got entirely too much free
time.

"My mind spray-My nine spray:"

Yunno what's weird? Most of the cats I talk to concerning
relationships in the workplace are like, "Fuck that. That's
too much trouble" But here at Circuit City in Salem, this
train of thought seems to be derailed. It's like working at
a highschool, I'm serious. there's like, 8 different couples
working together. And when they break up, they just date
another shark in a different department. I don't get it. Am
I missing the boat here, is it like, chic to fuck your
co-workers now? I guess I'll be the geek and miss this
little trend. What's ya'lls outlook on this particular
topic. Anyone actually done the date n work thing? How'd
that go?

Avoid Mission to Mars. It's wack as fuck. I know it sounds
petty, but the music is pretty bad. But I'm not mad about
that, really. It was just irritating enough for me to divert
my attention from the God-Awful exposition and dialogue. and
the leaps of logic are like light year leaps of logic. It
also holds possibly the worst performance by an acclaimed
actor ever (Tim Robbins). The astronauts are given a test to
figure out the meaning of life. A big dust storm/Super
Hoover Vacuum kills you if you guess the wrong answer,
though. Don Cheadle's crew inadvertently gets the wrong
answer (and this sequence is the only cool one in the entire
movie, really) and he's stranded on Mars for a year. He
spends his time trying to figure out the answer to the
question posed to him. He's a pretty smart guy, right?
Anyway, the rescue team gets to him a year later. He's gone
crazy, and apparently, has morphed into Tim Meadows. Gary
Sinise, head of the rescue team, spills some M&M's on the
floor (hah. Mars co. makes M&M's. ha. how cute) and in the
space of 5 minutes, figures out what Tim--I mean Don--
couldn't figure out in one year. Okay. So now Gary Sinise is
Good Will Fucking Hunting. that's just one of the bullshit
elements on top of the many bullshit elements that makes
this movie a really big steaming hunk of loosely held
together shit.

Related topic: Maybe it's not the worst performance by an
acclaimed actor in a motion picture. has anyone here heard
of Caligula? It stars John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole, Malcolm
McDowell...and was produced by Penthouse Magazine. It's a
soft porn/hard porn/historical account/biopic/rapo
flick/exploitation picture that came out in 1980, I think.
It's been tagged as the "worst movie of all time" and not in
that fun, you can make fun of it way. Apparently this thing
is mind numbingly boring and disgusting all at the same
time. I've never seen it, but it was on Cinemax the other
day. I've got a curiosity about the flick, but I don't know
if I really want to put myself through it. Apparently
there's a scene where McDowell's character, to exact revenge
on a traitor, cuts the penis off of the man and feeds it to
dogs. This isn't implied or anything, but directly shown
onscreen. That's enough to get me shook right there...

Related topic again: Usually, when a movie is real bad, and
I've paid to see the hunk of feces, I'll tend to make the
most out of my moviegoing experience, and, along with my
friends, proceed to rip the movie apart. About halfway
through Mission to Mars, we started to do this. I thought we
were being quiet enough, but there was a row of like, 6
people in front of us, older folks. (and an 80's couple with
the hella feathered hair and mullethead in STRONG effect)
apparently we were riding the movie a little loud, and one
of them risked a glance backwards, and had the startings of
a glare on their face. We quieted a little, until something
so cornball and preposterous popped up onscreen, and the
four of use couldn't contain ourselves. Once again, 2 or 3
of them do the fake little "I'm trying to look but trying to
look like I'm not looking" thing, and featherhair leans over
to mullethead to mumble loudly enough for us to hear how
they wish someone could tell us to shut up.

At which point I go "Dear God what a tremendous hunk of
shit"
Now I'm mildly pissed. This is some snobby shit right here
I'm being subjected to, like I'm beneath being asked nicely
to be quiet. I don't mind that, and I would have tried to
hold my tongue at the ridiculous mess on the screen. But
instead they just shoot mean looks and little mumblings.

Then at the end of the movie, these people slide in a couple
more under the breath comments. "Well, that movie was pretty
good, especially (flick of the eyes towards me, then back
down) with all that extra commentary." I get up, stretch and
give em one last bit of commentary, since they liked it so
much: "Well, looks like DePalma is batting about 0 for 6
now..what a complete and utter shitfest. Let's get the fuck
out of here" and they're all "Oh!" and "Well really!"

I know that it's percieved by some people to be "rude" to
talk while a movie's playing, but I paid my money, and 7.50
is a lot of money to sit through excrement on celluloid, so
I'm gonna try and get as much as I can out of it. If my
enjoyment is stepping on your enjoyment (how that could be,
I don't know, I know I heard groans and titters from the
rest of the crowd here and there, so I wasn't alone), just
ask me to please be a little quieter. But don't expect utter
fuckin silence. You want that, you can go home and rent a
flick. You pack 300 people into a crowded room, theres'
gonna be noise. Especially if the movie is fuckin shitty.

(post stoppage at the notice of Mr. Roberts using the word
"titters" in a sentence. What the hell? Titters? That's like
a pornstar name. Candi McTitters or something)

Does anyone else in here talk during the movie? Not like
normal conversation tones, but lowly? Or, on the flipside,
have you ever been watching a movie and some prick like me
is talking too loud and dissing the shit out of it? What did
you do?

(post stoppage once again, as Mr. Roberts brings to the
attention of the class that he has referred to Mr. Depalma's
film "Mission to Mars" as a "piece of shit" or derivatives
thereof a number of 7 times. Let it be noted that the
opinionated fat fuck does not look well upon the film)

Late comer on this particular bandwagon: I know the beat is
derivative, and old, and simple, and the song is kinda
cheezy, but "Anything" by 112 has fuckin taken hold of my
head and won't let go. I'm beatboxing the beat all day at
work and shit. We should get the superfriends to go ass
crazy over that beat, too, a-la "are you that somebody". As
a matter of fact, let the superfriends get hold of all the
dope beat/wack lyric twelve inch wonders and have em put
their lyrics over the instrumentals and release an album.

Okay, I just honestly just about pissed myself right now.
I'm still a little shook. Why? because I just barely missed
walking into two spiders. Those creepy lookin white ones
with the see through legs. I fuckin HATE spiders. Hate em. I
will turn into the whinyest, silliest, pussy little girl
with a skinned knee around a spider. Ya'll now know my
weakness. insects just fuck my shit all up. That scene in
"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" where those monster
fucking bugs, like, the size of my calves are crawling
around with their millions upon millions of scurrying evil
legs, I can't deal with it. I curl up into a little ball.
And I've never finished "arachnophobia" can't do it.

This is like the movie edition: When I first heard about
"Romeo Must Die" I was a skeptical motherfucker, I won't
lie. Aaliyah in a major role was too sketchy for me. I've
seen the trailer. I'm converted. Jet Li will kick MUCH ass
this summer. And on top of that, John Woo is runnin things
behind the lens on Mission Impossible 2. I'm hearin it's
fuckin ILL.

This "Whaaathuuuuup" thing is gettin out of control. Bud
should do like, one more commercial, and kill it. Although,
i gotta admit, I thought they couldn't do no more with those
fuckin iguana lizard things whatever the fuck they are. But
that ferret shit busted me up. Aint it sad when 75 percent
of the funniest shit on TV is being made by Budweiser? "This
shot of comedy in your otherwise dull and zoned home viewing
experience is brought to you by the makers of diluted
pisswater. But it's beechwood aged!"

Okay, I'm tired of typing now. (those who were determined to
test their resolve and pressed themselves to wade through to
the bitter end of this post heave a sigh of relief now) so
anyway, comments, questions, money and twinkies are always
welcome in replies to this post. Thank you for your time,
and your sister was great last night.

"Will you shut the fuck up please? I'm trying to watch a
movie"
Fatboy

Steve Jackson Made Me Do It: 11/12/2000

or as the french like to say, "le what-the-fuque-eveir"

Got E-40 today. (this is E-40's 3rd mention ever on RMHH)
This cat...I dunno. He made one of my summertime classic
albums with "In a Major Way" but damn near everything
afterwards has been pretty blah...I like the Posse on
Broadway remake, though. See, (listen close, unoriginal,
biting, money hungry emcees) If you're gonna rip off an
old-school song, do what 40 water did and rip off a mediocre
one, and then make it better. If there's no room to improve
on the original--and I mean greatly improve. If you're all
you're gonna do is add a "remember dis!" (Meth on 'Cheka') or a better scratch in the chorus (EPMD on "you gots 97)
--Then dont' fuckin do the song. come up with your own shit.

Also, please, people, stay away from strictly keyboard
beats. Add some spice to your shit. half the reason this
E-40 shit is so blah to me (and A lot of the Cash Money
shit) is that it sounds all the same. Same bass sounds, same
tempos, same squiggly preprogrammed keyboard lines. It's a
little too artificial for me. Some people kinda even it out
by layering the shit thick, full of melodies,
countermelodies and cute little glitches here and there, but
most just do overkill, (three different sets of keyboard
strings and a no-talent r&b singer that's MC so and so's
third cousin) and a lot just don't keep it simple (bass,
melody, drums, voice) And those keyboard drums just ain't
fuckin cuttin it. too plastic. use a live drummer, use a
dirty sample, anything, but those drums just don't smack
your shit right.

More whining and bitching follows after this break, brought
to you by Circuit City: Because they pay my fat ass....NBA
Live 2000 is out. I am now happy happy fatboy again. anyone
played it yet? tell me bout it! I promise I will demolish,
debilitate and utterly destroy any sucker foolish enough to
stand in my way during that game...now back to the ranting

Another thing...(wow, who would have guessed E-40 would get
me thinkin this much) I hate this "coming soon" ad shit on the inside liners. Maybe Dre started it, so I shouldn't get
pissed at Forty, but it's bullshit. It ain't comin soon, and
the stuff that is is weak shit we don't wanna fuckin bump
anyway. Artists shouldn't advertise "coming soon" on shit they just thought about doing a week earlier and decided to
mock up an album cover on a whim. I mean, this particular
album "Charlie Hustle" took about a year and a half to drop (it was coming soon on "Element of Surprise" remember?) Now he's gonna tell us he's got this 'movie' coming (read:
edited camcorder home video) an album called "book of
slang," an album called "loyalty and betrayal" and an album with B-Legit? Get the fuck outta here this shit is coming
soon...it's just stupid to me. Look, it may be a good idea,
but you don't gotta advertise it as soon as the idea crosses
your lips. It's a little too commercial for my tastes. I
mean, you haven't even really put any work into the album,
and already you're trying to sell the thing? Work on getting
the album to be worth buying, and then create anticipation.

How many sales have been lost because overeager money hungry
rapper was too quick with the ads all over the place, and
boy didn't have his album ready in time? There's plenty of
albums I would have nutted over getting when the ad's showed
up in mags that I never gave a SHIT about when they finally
came out because the shit took too long and said artist was
busy working on other shit, anyway. Spreading yourself too
thin, getting yourself hooked up in all kinds of different
shit at the same time usually only ensures that all your
different products are gonna be just as equally mediocre.

Rappers: STOP MAKING MOVIES. Do one or the other, because
this both at the same time shit is ass.

Will Smith: Shut the FUCK UP already. You know Will is
starting to ego-trip again when he starts the "my rhymes
don't have no curses in em" shit like he did in the early
nineties. Remember his little downturn in popularity circa
"And in this corner?" That's about all you heard out of Will around then, was how 'clean' he was. He's trying to deflect
the fact that his rhymes are getting worthless again, by
spreading this "I'm righteous" cream over the album..."Your shit is wack, will" "But there's no cursing in it!" "oh. Brilliant!" And as so many others have pointed out, so he
don't say shit or fuck in a song, he sure as FUCK (I curse a
lot, don't I) will cuss in "Bad Boys" "Independence Day" and "Enemy of The State" along with killing, pointing guns at people, shooting and being a womanizing player in his
movies, right? Just shut the fuck up already with the
sanctimonious crap, it makes you look...uh...look like the
big hollywood stuffed shirt you've become, actually. Stop
rapping.

And (I know I've said this before) next time you accept an
award, thank JEFF! Dear God, I'm sick of him getting ignored
by you. No Jeff, no YOU. Your thank you's should go: God,
Moms, JEFF. and then everyone else.

RMHH is funny, ain't it. The post about health issues is
under "Mary J. Blige's fake titties," the thread about jewish identity is under "Anticon." and has anyone got RMHH II yet? OT and Steve Jackson came back, and it's a beautiful
thing.

This is a really long post. We will break for a few minutes
so you can stretch, compare notes with other readers, piss,
get that rock hard booger scratching the shit out of your
left nostril discreetly removed with your pinky and smeared
under your co-workers chair. (or your sink, if you're
reading at home)

Strange things you notice at 4:00 am in a maternity waiting
room:

Sportscenter is oddly soothing, but Fred Carter is a
complete fucking jackass. I almost fell asleep waiting for
my roomates kid to be born, but listening to him babble on
about the Spurs was enough to keep me awake.

People who drink coffee without a bunch of creamer and sugar
in it must have no taste buds left in their body. I just
can't do it.

the couches at Hospitals are about as comfy as granite.

Fuck Crack. Apparently, Epiderral is the greatest drug ever
invented.

When your baby is about to be born, but they can't pull the
head out easily, be warned: They will use a big suction cup
on the kids melon, and Your kid will have a conehead for a
few days. My man Prime got the shit scared out of him when
they pulled his kid out lookin like Dan Aykroyd..."Doc! His head ain't gonna stay like that, right!?!" I however, kept
thinking of "Alien" but wisely decided against saying
anything.

That weird hazy blue purple light at 3:30, 4:00 in the
morning is beautiful. It saturates everything, tints it all.
It's like walking around inside a painting.

Where did the "cute nurse" stereotype evolve from. I have yet to see one.

I think I've numbed anyone brave enough to get this far in
this post (which will more than likely go ignored...nobody
loves me anymore) and So I shall stop here for this weeks
installment. Join me next week when I discuss the
curiosities of the 'happy trail' and ask the question "How
much Ramen can one man eat?"

Finally getting the initiative to do the whole "anti-spam" and sig thing (I'm so computer geeky now!),
Fatboy

This is addicting: 10/15/2000

Or at least I think that's how the title goes. That's too
many words for me to remember, really. Anyway, on to the
brain droppings.

Is my crew the only crew who STILL drinks 40 oz. of Olde
English on the regular? I mean, some of these cats in my
crew are 21 and over, you know, able to buy quite the wide
range of brew as opposed to tapping some crackhead on the
shoulder and having him get you the cheap shit. But they'll
go in and leave with a CASE of forties. A fuckin CASE! I
read the label once, and in big letters it's advertised as
being "Charcoal Filtered" Is this a good thing? That the
liquid was filtered through chunks of charred, burnt up wood
and dirt? Why not just pour the shit through an ashtray,
make sure it's run through a used campfire before you bottle
it? I don't drink, so I don't know, maybe this is the
desired taste or somethin. And 40 will make these usually
smart people so fuckin DUMB. Dumber than regular alcohol
will. I mean, get these guys drunk off some fuckin Vodka or
Rum or Scotch or somethin, they're a little rowdy and shit,
but they can still think alright. 40 just gets em to boxin
everybody. Carlo Rossi wine does the same shit. Just makes
fools ANGRY. weird. Do you know anyone else who still downs
this shit like it's manna from the Gods?

The PokeRap. Don't front. You dig it. Aint Pikachu the
cutest fuckin thing?

Stupid White Girl in the Burbs tale #2: Last time I told
ya'll about the "Thug Queen" in daddy's beretta..this time I
tell the tale of the "G-Ride" It's a Honda civic, white,
and legally owned by 2 different owners. Both of whom kept
the vanity license plates "G-Ride" on the ass of the car.
Both owners were some pale ass, stringy blond white girls
fresh outta high school, with nothin but "All Eyez On Me,"
"E.1999" and "The Chronic" coming out of her speakers. You
know, real G'z. I asked one of the girls once, as she was
fixing her makeup in the mirror, making sure not to get any
Newport ash on her outfit frest from the Gap (Gangster
Attire that's Phat, apparently) exactly what a G-Ride was.
She responded, "It's my car. It's what I roll in, pick up
the homegirls and cruize around in, yunno." I said "No. A
G-Ride is a stolen car. So do you know how stupid it is to
have a personalized license plate that says 'This is a
stolen car?" She told me to fuck off, flicked her cigarette
at me and tried to run over my feet. I spit through her
window and hit her friend with the painted on eyebrows smack
on the tit. What's stupider than that is right before she
peeled out, she leaned her head out the window and said "I
know where you work, fatass. I know this big ass nigger and
he'll kick your ass!" I hollered back, "Hey when he stops
by, I'll make sure to let him know you how you talk about
his ass."

So I was an asshole. I had a bad night. And she tried to
break my feet. And if I hadn't spit on her before she yelled
out her last retort, I sure as fuck would have tried
afterwards. As it was, me and my man Prime threw a few rocks
at her car.

And what the fuck with the painted on eyebrows, anyway? That
shit is fuckin terrible. You will NEVER see one of those
girls out on the dance floor at a club. They'll always be
playin the back, smokin or something, because if they get
out there and work up a sweat, they got their eyebrows
runnin down their cheeks, lookin like a hip hop whoopi
goldberg and shit.

For my geeks out there: They killed Chewbacca. He's dead. A
moon landed on his hairy ass. I mean, it only happened in a
book, I guess, but still...what a way to go out, huh?

If you're still reading, wow. That's quite a lot of free
time, ain't it? Go get a twinkie or something. clean your
room. Kiss your mom. I'm just killing your brain cells.

I want to see hip hop heads try to write some fiction,
really. I mean you've got some natural storytellers on the
microphone. enough of this true story shit, autobiographies
and whatnot. I wanna see if a crime novel by Scarface would
be as moody and visual as one of his rhymes. I wanna know if
Mos Def could write a book as electrifying as some of his
performances. Can Chuck D pen a political thriller? You know
a Prince Paul book would be dope. Maybe Kool Keith is our
generations H.P. Lovecraft. Who knows...

Boyz N The Hood. Does the movie still hold up, or does it
look dated now? Whatcha think? I haven't seen it in forever,
but for a film class I was checking out some film reviews
and criticism, and that movie got huge praise all across the
boards when it dropped. I wasn't looking into deep
characterization and shot selection and framing and editing
when I saw it the first few times, but watching it now, does
it stand out as an extremely well put together piece of
cinema?

Okay, I've murdered enough time, I guess...My back hurts and
there's some ribs in the fridge...mmm...ribs....mmm...

gettin up early in the mornin,
Fatboy





I lied: 9/21/2000

or, for short: RDMSIGOMT. Can you make that acronym into an
anagram, verbal funsters?

Risking sounding like an old ass fart here, but those cats
with the 40 amps and 6 12 inch speakers? I don't like those
fuckers. Why? A) I am of the belief that I'd actually like
to hear more than "BOOOOM..." b) I automatically distrust
anyone willing to spend more on the sound system then they
did on the car. 3) They lower that chair so that they're at
granny eye level when they drive, which not only makes them
look stupid, but makes them prone to run in to my fat ass on
the freeway, and IV) They NEVER blast anything good. EVER. I
mean, as long as it sounds dope as fuck in my car, I'm
happy. But if I had something able powerful enough to
transmit to the outer reaches of our stratosphere sitting in
my trunk, I'm gonna play some good shit. Instead, I get
"Wanna be a, BALLER, shot Caller!" and "Master P's greatest
hits" and "Makaveli: Us Vultures are Picking at the Remains
of His Corpse. Love US!--Part 7" I know it's just for the
boom, but there's better shit that booms just as hard.

On a related note, one of these jokers provided me with a
laugh today. Chunky preppie white girl in a '90 red Beretta.
Sound system that provides more rattle of trunk than bass of
speakers. Sportin mess of Fubu. She had those mailbox
stickers on her window, you know the ones that spell out
your name on the mailbox? Except all over her back window,
was spelled out "Mystikal, Tupac, Makaveli (like they were
two different people!) Master P, FuBu, Silk The Shocker,
insert stupid ass g-rapper here, etc. Underneath that, smack
dab in the center in huge letters, read "THUG QUEEN" I had
to get alongside and look at this tough ass bitch, right? A
real live THUG QUEEN, rollin in her "bumpin ass" ain't been
washed in 3 weeks Beretta, in Salem? I roll up alongside and
her and her likewise Fubu'd out boyfriend immediately do the
seat slouch and look at me out the side of their fake ass
versace glasses. Girl just barely 16, maybe. Daddy's little
Thug Queen.

Meth and Red: Stop rapping and just act from now on, or stop
fuckin acting and concentrate on your fuckin verbals. That
being said, I'm still buying that album when it drops. As
disappointing as the last two albums might have been (and I
didn't think "Doc's The Name" was that disappointing) the
potential there is too great. I'm a Cubs fan. I have a rich
tradition for needlessly building my hopes up only to have
them torn down around my fat little feet.

I didn't know that Twinkies are 75 years old this year. But
chances are I ate a 72 year old twinkie from Circle K a
couple days ago, anyway. Little. Yellow. Radioactive. I used
to love em frozen. Twinkies and Ramen, man. I'm gonna live
to be 300, I've got so much Twinkie and Ramen in my body.
I'll never deteriorate. I might as well just wash the mess
down with Formaldehyde and be done with it.

I know I've yapped at Tre Boogs about this before, but fuck,
why not join anyone else in on the fun? I've been working on
a script for the longest (a romantic comedy, strangely
enough) Anyone here got their own little creative writing
thing goin on? What's the last thing you've written
creatively that you were proud of? Hit us off with a
summary.

I still say RMHH: The Movie CAN BE DONE. The possibilities
are endless.

casual observation. Anything funny is made funnier in a
british accent. It's a fact of nature.

Movie Rumor: Tim Meadows, who will NEVER EVER FUCKING LEAVE
SNL (or ever be funny, for that matter, or ever look even
remotely like the people he's supposed to impersonate) is
next in line, after "Superstar,(about that stupid catholic
girl sketch)" "Sprockets," and a movie about those
irritating cheerleaders, to get his own movie based on his
pretty wack skit, "Ladies Man" How they're gonna stretch
THAT premise out, I have no clue. Be on the lookout for Adam
Sandler in "Red Hooded Sweatshirt: The Movie" sometime after
that. That should be right around the time he buys a small
third world country and teaches the children there to sluck
their spit off the ground and throw sticks behind
rollerbladers.

Probably should have stuck this higher up top (and damn this
shit is getting long..) but I heard that Keith and Menelik
and Automator are all kinda pissed at each other. Menelik
has apparently disassociated himself from Keith, and
Automator has been talkin shit about Keith at his various
appearances at whatever it is Automator does when he's not
with Keith. Still have yet to get Black Elvis, but I've
heard he disses most of the industry, and spits a few
"inbetween the lines" disses at Menelik. What's the scoop,
Kit?

nugget of wisdom for the day: Never doubt the power of a
nicely timed fart to defuse a tense situation. Be careful
though. While anal wind is often amusing, Hershey squirts
are just disgusting and will more often than not cause you
embarrasment. And chapped asscheeks if you don't wipe
thoroughly.

Squeeze the Charmin,
Fatboy




Seriously: 8/14/99

okay, here we go, I'm gettin sharky here. Sorry about the last post, just
blanked out there for a sec.

What is the stupidest shit you've ever done while driving? I like to fuck
with the other cars by turning on a blinker, leaving it on, turnin on the
windshield wipers full speed on a sunny day, going 30 miles an hour and
slapping at the window and acting like an old person. Barking at people is
fun too.

You ever ripped your pants out in the worst possible of places? One time I
bent over, and my pants were saggin a little, and it stretched too far and
there was this huge rip. boxers hangin out and everything. It was worse
because not only was my shit all tore up, but the ripping noise sounded like
a huge fuckin fart, and there were some fine girls there who looked at me
all fucked up like. On a related note, ever wash your hands in the sink, go
back to work not realizing that the water splashed all over the sink and got
on your crotch, lookin like you pissed yourself? It's some embarrasin shit.

Are apartment managers supposed to be the most idiotic people on the planet?
We got our contract terminated here because he want's to jack people for
higher rent and we got in under a cheaper contract. Anyway, we're getting
kicked out, but they're letting a sex offender move in. They have kids, by
the way, and this guy's been convicted of child rape. Boggles my fuckin
mind.

Graf is the unsung hero of hip-hop.

How many ballplayers we got here? Ever fuck around and play on the
dunkhoops? You know, the hoops that only stand about 9 feet high? We got a
full court dunkhoop court out here, and sometimes the dopest games happen on
that court, it's crazy and mad fun. Of course, I think it's fun because how
else is a fat 5-7 bastard like me gonna bam on some 6 foot somethin guy, but
still. What's the illest shit you ever did? The illest thing I ever did
was on one of those dunkhoops, I went up on this 6-4 guy, pumped it, spun
off him in midair, and dunked on the other side of the hoop two handed.
crazy shit. play actually stopped for about a minute. And I never let that
guy live it down, ever.

I've been makin beats out of weird shit lately...Faith No More, Chili
Peppers, Lennon, video game soundtracks, the Eagles..what's the weirdest
shit you made a beat out of?

I guess that's enough for now.
Fatboy




I know it was you, fredo: 8/6/2000

Or as they say at the CDC: That looks like sausage..be careful.

I just got back from my family reunion: Pretty lackluster..Before it was
like an extras casting day of "The Godfather." and today, pretty
straggly showing of our relatives. Kinda split into two camps and did
our things without mingling too much. One of my relatives snapped a pic
of me while I wasn't looking, sitting over by some trees. She told me
"You look just like one of those italian guys in the movies, just
thinking, plotting or something." I beamed, as pride washed over me.

BUT: I have a small amount of tragedy to tell..

I have a raver in my family.

She wasn't a raver before. But she showed up with her boyfriend, and he
had those size 50 pants and a sideways hat. I'm like "Well, maybe he's
just a new hip hop head." So we sit down, and one of my cousins walks by
and asks Dionna (the raver in question) what's up with the DJ thing,
whats up with her friend, can she help him. She's like "Well, you gonna
spin hip hop?"

"Yeah."

"oh. I can't help you, there. I spin deep bass/jungle." I'm like, hey,
at least she spins. Her boyfriend pops up.

"Yeah, that's a lot harder than hip hop. Hip hop's pretty weak, they
just crash songs into each other and shit.." and Dionna nods.

Knuckles...white...blood...rushing..face..freezing.

I manage to eke out the words "oh. What do you spin?" through clenched
teeth, eye twitching.

"deep-transient-breakbeat-jungle-bass-acid-techno" whatever the fuck he
said, it sounded more like a skateboard trick than a type of music. but
I know I heard breakbeat in there. Which only feeds...growing...anger.

Dionna cuddles and goes "yeah, he's really good."

Then I found out she's in some independent vampire movie in colorado, a
speaking part, and "I only have to go topless twice. But I get a huge
elaborate death scene!" She went on to tell me "It'll get shown at
sundance, and when the director sells it, if he sells it for 500,000, I
get 25 grand! Some percentage like that." I kinda coughed and wandered
off somewhere else.

Songs I've always wanted to sample but couldn't or didn't for one reason
or another:

It Aint Over Til It's Over-Lenny Kravitz: It's too loaded up
instrumentally for me to try and jack. I just want the bassline and
guitar line from it, but there's either flutes or his voice layered on
top, so I couldn't grab. But I always thought I could flip that nice.

Hollywood Squares-You know how many cats would have jacked the shit out
of this if Bootsy wasn't talking over every inch of it? I tried to
replay the bassline once, but the shit just don't sound the same..you
can't replace Bootsy bass..the drums might be easier to duplicate, but I
don't have a drum machine.

Sweet Dreams-Eurythmics. That keyboard line at the beginning was always
intriguing. I actually tried it once, but it sounded too techno-ish to
me for rapping over (although, if what I'm hearing about Outkast is
right, maybe it'd work with them fuckin with it) I tried to slow it
down, and that just sounded cheezy..

Tracks of My Tears-Smokey and the Miracles. Just couldn't get it to
swing. I mean, I was fucking with Motown..If I can't flip it nice, leave
it the fuck alone. don't disgrace. The only cat who's fucked with Smokey
right is D'Angelo's remake of cruisin...DAMN. Kills the original.

People are Strange-The Doors. I tried it over a beat and the shit
sounded like Polka. No lie.

Could This Be Love-Bob Marley. once again, just couldn't get it flipped
to where I liked it. And I didn't wanna fuck around with Bob's shit if I
couldn't get it right (although I flipped "Feel Alright." alright. For
those of you requesting "The OCK Tapes:" the outro is over that beat)

The Hall of the Mountain King-Edvard Grieg. This could have been the
orchestral madness BOMB..if the tempo was just a little slower. As it
is, I'm still thinking it might work as a scratch track..but to rap
over, I just couldn't pull it. So what if it's over the top..Bombast,
baby!

Book of the Day: The Hot Zone by Richard Thompson or Thomas or somethin.
That shit is SCARY. Ebola virus and Marburg virus. that shit was CLOSE
in 1989-90. Does anyone know what this virus does to you after exposure?
In 7-14 days, you get a headache, then a backache, then nausea..then
little red spots on your skin. Then they grow into bruises. Your face
kinda hardens into a masklike state, expressionless. Your eyes slowly go
red. Then your mouth bleeds, your nose bleeds, and you vomit up this
black shit. The lining of your stomach falls off, and so does the lining
of your tongue. you puke and shit these out. Then, before you die, you
go into seizures, and you bleed profusely out of every orifice in your
body. Your liver cracks and liquefies, your spleen becomes one huge
blood clot, and your veins blow open like overcooked macaroni.

FUCK Aids, man. Damn. That book kept me up a couple nights ago. The
scariest shit is the non-fiction, I'm tellin you.

Why doesn't LL just rename the album "Greatest Rapper of All Time?"
That's SO much better than "GOAT." C'mon...GOAT? I think Goat, I think
that stupid Adam Sandler skit. Goat ain't gonna send fools to the record
stores in droves. "Yo, I gotta get that GOAT LP!" "This Goat is some
SHIT, yo!" "What you pumpin, son?" "Yo, I'm bumpin this GOAT, fool! This
Goat is HITTIN!"

Which reminds me: The Goats. Remember them? haaa..Although I think I
liked that one song they did, that I can't remember any of the lyrics,
or what the name of it was, or what the beat sounded like.

Which also reminds me...just what the fuck is "I'm so bad, I can suck my
own dick" supposed to mean? never did get how that was supposed to make
us go, "oooooh..."

Perfect Dark STILL has a hold of me. That game, man. The missions are
type nice, although the hard simulants are starting to piss me off.

Oakland Raiders taking the AFC. I'm telling ya'll now. Just be ready.
And nevermind that they lost to St. Louis the other day. That's just
preseason. Pay it no mind. (of course, if they had won, you'd hear me
like "FUCKIN RAIDERS! They're goin all the way. You saw what they did to
St. Louis!!!")

Dumbest shit on TV: The ads for the Teen Choice awards on Fox: "No
interpretive dance! No technical awards! and no ceremonies honoring dead
people! The Teen Choice Awards!"

What. the. Fuck.

So, if you watch Road Rules, Real World and Oz, that makes you a Soap
Opera junkie, basically. I admit fully. those shows have some kind of
bizarre hold on me. Although i was worried about Oz. The first episode
of this seasons shit was so bad I walked out halfway through. Just
fuckin TERRIBLE writing. I don't mind that it's a soap opera, just don't
lower it to fuckin All My Children quality or some shit (and don't
front, ya'll know what I'm talking about. if you ever missed school, you
was watchin them soaps, because mom wasn't lettin you change the
channel.) But the episodes are getting back up to par, this last one
bein especially dope. Any Oz fans in the place, what do you think?

Alright, I think I'm done for the night.

"He said put up your dukes, I said "I ain't got no fuckin dukes,"
Fatboy

It's like bad chinese food: Random discombulated mental--fuck it.: 5/15/2000

I don't feel like typing the whole title out tonite. That
and I don't quite remember how the shit's supposed to go. I
remember when I did the first one it was a parody of how
everyone and their mom's dog was throwing "random thoughts"
(®Steve Jackson) posts out, but no one does the shit anymore
and my title just looks stupid. Well, not like it didn't
before, but chances are if *I* think it's stupid, it's gotta
be pretty fuckin stupid.

Okay, now that I've got that utterly useless and meandering
paragraph out of the way, lets move on to the meat of the
post: My self-absorbed and trivial musings on various things
in life I don't really understand and question.

Mormons: I'm not dogging the religion, really. People who
get through their day by believing in the Mormon faith, more
power to them. I've been friends with mormons and shit, and
they were all generally good people, but Mormon is like,
maybe one step up from Scientology. At least that's how it
appears to me. Plus, apparently, it's a sin to be black in
the Mormon religion. Black people don't get to go to heaven.
And women can only go if they're a)married and b)their
husband decides she's worthy. At least this is what I'd been
told over the course of my growing up among 3 or 4 different
Mormon families. Large mormon families. I'd been told that
the reason they're typically large is because they have a
concept of "rings of heaven" much like "circles of hell."
and the more kids you have, the higher ring of heaven you
get into. Whether these stories were examples of others'
mild xenophobia being thrust down onto me or not, it weirded
me out. Plus I haven't met too many mormon heads. Doesn't
seem to be a popular religion in the hip hop circles. Any
mormon heads out there reading this? What's crackin?

So, does this make the term "Black Mormon" an oxymoron? I've
met one, and apparently, Karl Malone is one, too. Although
it's been proven Malone is just a plain moron. And a bitch.
And a redneck. But there's been enough Karl Malone bashing
on this board for a bit now..

...I take it back. Karl Malone is a redneck bitch.

There, I'm done.

Anyway, the black mormon (don't that sound like an
underground comic book character?) I met seemed kinda,
well...kinda zombiefied and confused. I mean, he was with
one of those converter groups of people, yunno, the crew of
like 5 or 6 guys wearin shirts and ties with books in their
hands knockin on your doors and shit. And not leavin. I know
ya'll remember the fuckin air raid drills when your sister
or your mom peeked out the window and saw them motherfuckers
comin up the walk. You'd hear her hiss "Shit! It's the
(mormons/jehovah's witnesses)! Everyone shut up and hide!"
And you're under the couch and shit with the dustbunnies,
waiting for like a half hour for them to leave your
doorstop. Persistent motherfuckers.

Wow, I digressed. Anyway, The story was gonna go somewhere,
but my train of thought just derailed completely. I guess
the jist was that shit was odd for both me and my friends,
(the group they were trying to convert..ha.) and for them.
Like they knew something was just weird.

Busta Rhymes and Sprite: The only shit I've heard from Busta
since the year 2000 (good to see he didn't kill himself or
anything, I was kinda worried he was too wrapped up in that
"There's only 3 years left!" shit) is him on like, 3
different Sprite commercials. Bad sprite commercials, too.
No, wait, I saw him on a Sci-Fi channel commercial. (his
line? "FLIPMODE IS THE SQUAD!! Oh yeah, this is Sci-Fi") so
anyway, his creative output is apparently limited to
commercials. Busta. Come back. you can still come dope. The
Sprite has some kind of hold on you, but you can BREAK it.
It will take time, yes, but it can be done. Soon you can be
dope once again.

And flipmode AINT the squad. Everyone knows this but Busta,
apparently.

This is a long fuckin post, ain't it?

MTV is bending over backwards and spreading their lips
WIIIIIIDE for Eminem this go'round. EmTV is what they're
calling it this Wednesday, I think. I don't know what this
all entails, but just today I saw that "Real Slim Shady" was
No. 1 on Total Request Live (I refuse to type out the
acronym), There was a Kurt Loder interview following, Making
of the video, and a special on "rock star dissing" (chris
connelly saying "dissing" is really fuckin weak. Like your
gramma doing the running man) which featured Eminem's taunts
to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Wow. I wonder ow
they're gonna feel when Em gets sick of it and shits all
over MTV next month. I can kinda see it happening.

Speaking of MTV, can they be tried for exposing the world to
such contagious, harmful and brainkilling viral infections
they've created? Like FRED FUCKING DURST?

I'm gonna make a promise to you guys, right here. You can
hold me to it. If and when OCK cru ever comes up, if we're
in the same room with Limp fucking Bizkit, they're getting
socked up. I'm not lying. I'll walk up to the man, smile,
say "You heard of us?" and of course he will, because he's
busy sucking every semi-famous rapper's dick that he meets
in his efforts to be down. ("Snoop--slurp gobble--If I'm
real good here--slurp slurp--you wanna be in my "Break
Stuff" video?) And after he goes, "yeah" I'm droppin dogs on
that ass. Just because. he's just one of those people you
wanna punch in their face just for breathing.

Then again, I probably provoke that response in some people.

Which reminds me, I had a FUCKED UP dream last night. A
ghost was socking me up. And the shit HURT. I mean, I woke
up, and the back of my head was still stinging. And not
Headache style stinging, but just like when some sneaky
pussy motherfucker steals on you and cracks you a good one
in the back of the head. And I woke up all frustrated, too,
because, I mean, how the FUCK do you box up a ghost? Maybe
it was a sign or somethin.

Ghostface's "Cherchez La Ghost" video is dope. Slightly
redeemed in my eyes. I gotta peep the album now. Anyone
anticipating the new Wu album? When's it dropping again? I
kinda hope they bring it raaaaaaaaw like they used to.

If you're just scrolling down looking for something
interesting to catch your eye, going "Wow, this fat bastard
sure types alot about unimportant shit. There's gotta be
somethign good in here..." yes, I'm still babbling on about
unimportant shit. Keep on scrolling.

Also MTV related (I was loungin a lil too much infront of
the couch today) That cat from Third Eye Blind? Stephan
Jenkins? He should REALLY stop acting hard. I saw a video
today where he's all pushing people around and meanmuggin
and shit. And he's wearing an angora sweater that looks like
an overgrown doily. I don't care how much you mean mug, if
you're wearing a fucking doily, ain't no one gonna take your
ass seriously. Rock stars today, man...

Okay, so this girl at work...she only works weekends, and I
don't. does this count as working with her? because I've
seen her once or twice at work, and she bought a TV today. I
was loading it into her car, I think maybe we spoke a total
of 10 words each to each other. She gets in the car with her
friends...goes to start the car..and stops. I'm still out
there, helping with a couple co-workers who are trying to
get a fridge in the truck. We struggle with the fridge for a
few seconds, start to get it in, and I look over. She's
gotten back out of the car. She motions to me. I walk over
and bam: "You seein anybody?" "No." "you wanna go out
Friday?" "Sure." Phone number, smile from her, grin from me,
back in the car, and off she goes.

Now, it's only a date, but if it ends up goin well...I've
done the work thing before, and it's a bitch..but this
doesn't really count as work since she only works weekends
and I get em off. Any suggestions? Maybe I should ask
Tony1er, huh?

Toni Braxton in that silver dress thing in her new video is
"Whoa."

There. I did one. I'm soo coool now.

WHAT THE FUCK was Mike Dunleavy thinking, leaving Scottie
Pippen on the bench for 7/8ths of the 4th quarter? You don't
TOY with the Utah Jazz. If you can put em away, PUT EM THE
FUCK AWAY. Series should be done. Scottie on defense for
even 7 minutes of the fourth quarter and Utah scores maybe
half the points they end up scoring in the quarter. You know
Pip let him have it in the locker room after the game.

Wishful, naive thinking: (don't try this at home. You'll get
clowned and made foolish) The Suns *could* come back. Maybe.
But there's a reason I called it Wishful, naive thinking.

Okay, I think I've wasted enough space here. To those
marathon gluttons for punishment who actually sat down and
READ this entire motherfucker...wow. Thanks. Comments and
replies are welcome, please make them.

While visions of shattering Durst's jaw danced in his head,
Fatboy

Bring it Back Come Rewind: 1/22/2001

From the makers of "Spork: The Betrayal."

Why the FUCK are shelltoes 60 bones or more? Ri-Gat Damn-Dickulous. And why are the all black with 3 white stripes style so rare? Not that I'm complaining, because I got a pair for christmas, it's just I'd like to get a bigger size, and a backup pair, and NO ONE in this fucking city has a pair. PERIOD. And it's not like anyone's actually buying em or wearing em..because their fucking 80's shoes for 60 bucks! C'mon now...

Also shoe related: I don't care HOW big the Retro jordan's are now. That patent leather shit is STILL butt ugly.

I have dropped from a B cup to an A cup. The stretchmarks are a
motherfucker, tho.

My will was weak, and I was cheap...That temptress, Maruchan Beef Ramen, seduced me with her soupy charms a while back. and yes. My ass paid the price. So did my toilet. and that is why there's a big can of lysol in my room.

Stupidity Check 167:

Roomie's sister: "Uh, can you check my tire for me?"
Roomie: "What's wrong, you think it's flat?"
Roomie's sister: "Yeah, I'm not sure though."
Me: "You can't tell whether the tire is going flat or not?" Roomie's sister: (glares at Fatboy)
Roomie: Okay, lemme get my shoes on.
(wait for a few seconds, roomate comes back in)
Roomie: yeah, it's gettin pretty low
Roomie's sister: "So, should I, like, put some air in it?" Me: "---..you----are you serious?"
Roomie's sister: "What? What--oh, SHUT UP!"

This conversation actually happened in my living room a couple nights ago.

Update from last Random Discomwhathefuckever: The brunette from the last post, the one that disappeared from the party? She stopped by the house with her cousin last weekend. We conversed, and then she asked me to show her where the bathroom was. I led her down the hall towards it, and she ripped my clothes off like some caged, starving animal.. Literally ripped em off, not like took em off in a hurry, but shredded the fabric until it fell from my shoulders in a heap on the floor. Then she shoved me backwards, took 5 huge steps back, gave it a
running start, and did two handsprings and a somersault onto my penis. My body was already thrusting upwards to meet her. I then proceeded to have rough sweaty nasty animal sex with her for 18 hours straight until her eyeballs melted and smoke escaped from the sockets due to the unending friction. There was a knock at the door, and some big motherfucker said "I smell somethin GOOD." and pushed me aside. He stormed in, sniffing the entire way, until he happened upon the
brunette's body still orgasmically twitching in the hallway. "I KNEW IT!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to skullfuck the remains. Some little twerp with a clipboard, a limp, an eyepatch and a mesh shirt tied up so as to expose his midriff stood on my porch and muttered angrily under his breath until the big guy had spent himself and stumbled out of my house. "C'mon Kingpin" he said, and pulled the little guy off the porch by his nipples. "Why you can't be good like that no more hunh? It's never like the first time!" I shut the door and read my Sports Illustrated.

Okay, not really. Some of you may get some of that, and the others are now convinced I've gone utterly insane. Anyway, fuck it. I'm bored. It's 2 in the morning on sunday and the porn is tired.

Speaking of porn, I know I've talked about this before, but drumming your dick on a womans face has got to be the stupidest shit I've EVER seen. Honestly. I keep thinking they should be trying to keep up conversation while it's going on, just submit to the absurdity.

"So, how's randy doin lately?"
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"Oh, he's alright, I guess..had to sell his Iroc-Z"
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"No way dude, the IROC?"
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"Yep, I'm tellin you, it wasn't pretty."
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"Shiit. What's next, he cuts the mullet?"
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"The day he does that is the day drumming your dick on a womans face is even remotely sexy"
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"I hear ya. Okay, game on."
THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP
"Game on Wayn--glurpgh!"

Why do all female Radio DJ's sound the same? Blanket statement or no, but there's like, 3 different Female voice types on radio, the names are interchangeable. Anyone else notice that?

Latest rap remake that's actually worth a shit: "They Down With Us" by Scarface feat. UGK. This shit is on hit. Dare I say, better MC'ing than the blastmaster himself. And don't let ANYONE tell you UGK don't have skills. Bun B goes the FUCK off in this track.

so, like, 2 speeding tickets in one day is like, bad, right?

"The Way of the Gun" grows on you. I thought it was an alright flick, and then I rented it, and I thought it was a little better, and then I watched it the next day, and DAMN if that flick isn't one of those movies you just kinda ease into and get all kinds of comfortable with. Well, except for Ryan Phillipe's head. If you haven't noticed, he's got this tumor thing, this fuckin bone growth or whatever on the left side of his forehead, and once you notice it, you can't look away, it's like it's throbbing at you, trying to communicate with you in some odd ancient language. But other than that, I give props to the movie JUST for this exchange:

(setting: nightclub Parking lot. Phillipe and Benicio Del Toro are sitting on a BMW they don't own, as the owners are yelling at them to get off their car. they nonchalantly continue their conversation. The girl finally busts out)

Irritating girl: Hey, asshole, get off the fucking car before my boyfriend comes over there and fucks you and your gay fucking uncle up the fucking ass!

Phillipe: You better shut that cunts mouth before I come over there and fuckstart her head.

Balletic profanity. C'est magnifique. Or some shit like that.

Now I wanna kill Stephan Jenkins from 3rd Eye Blind. Last Sunday was the worst not only because a) The Raiders took it in the eyepatch but because I had to b)WITNESS FIRST HAND the death of Run DMC onstage with that cokehead tweek excuse for a rockstar fuckrag in his fur coat and cane with his hat turned backwards play DMC to Run. And Jam Master Jay wasn't even Rockin Technics! Fuckin Vestax!! HERESY! It's like Jordan wearing Reebok's "The Answer!" And can you REALLY call it Run DMC when there's no DMC?

Questions from the sober guy:

Does Tanqueray REALLY taste like Pine Sol? And has anyone drank it since 94? Trendy motherfuckers.

What's a shittier 40: Big Bear or 211 Steel Reserve?

So, who do I talk to in order to expose the real truth behind Limp Bizkits album title? Someone's got connects up in here, right?

So, who else has Cool Edit Pro? I'm like a slave to this program, lately. Or are there programs you prefer to this? Reasons, thoughts? I'm just digging not having to run all my shit through that half ass analog ping pong bullshit I was having to do. The bass is DEEP.

Road Trip was wack as fuck. No comparison at ALL to Scary Movie. The Larf content was exponentially lower in Road Trip. MUCH Larfs in Scary Movie, however. How can you front on a retarded security officer with the brush attachment of his vacuum stuck in his underwear...which is actually a point of contention around the house. My roomate swears it was just his dick. I say it was the brush attachment. I wasn't about to rewind and peer at Doofy's fuckin briefs in freeze frame..but I figure one of ya'll did. Sick motherfuckers. So yo, tell me, who's right? Was this Doof ridiculously hung, or was that a brush attachment in his pants. The fate of the free world depends on your answer. Dont' let me down RMHH.

And with that, this issue of Random Discombobu--fuck it.

Done.

"Gaiw Swawwows!"
Fatboy

"it wont' DIE! Random Discombobulated Mental Shit"
otherwise known as "That weird shit that asshole Fatboy
writes with the fucked up and irritating title" which is a
really cool acronym, actually: TWSTAFWWTFUAIT, but nowhere
near as cool as RDMSIGOMT.

What the fuck am I talking about?

On to the fun, kids:

I love graf. But there are times when I get a little pissed
at my crew members. Case in point. We're at this mexican
joint, grubbin on some chicken tacos or whatever, and I've
got this nice lookin girl diggin me, right? I've got on my
bright yellow yankees jacket, iced out, with the fat
armani...whoops. That's not my story.

Anyway, We're talkin and shit, and my man Misfit is drunk as

fuck with a monster Pilot permanent. I'm thinkin I'm gonna
get to this girls house at the end of the night, happy new
year a few days late, right? Misfit stumbles to the front
counter, and while the cooks and attendants are in the back
fixing shit, proceeds to bomb the fuck out of the counter,
pop machine, and garbage can. This is funny as fuck to me at

the time, until I realize that there's some guy in another
booth watching all this with a real pissed off look on his
face. Time to bug out. I don't get to girls house that
night. Now *I* have a real pissed off look on my face.

Party Game # 25: Decorate the passed out moron on the
kitchen floor. Never knew this game was as popular as it
apparently is. I usually see a drunk guy on the floor,
think, "Try not to step on the moron or the puddle of puke
he's probably partially laying in" But I guess a lot of
people see this guy and say "Shit. Canvas!" And they proceed

to paint the guy with the tools of the party artist:
condiments and makeup. Ketchup hairstyle, Mustard facial
hair. Eyelashes and much lipstick.

This is why I don't drink. I'm not waking up with a Best
Foods and Heinz makeover anywhere.

My first time hearing "Get Rich to This" and I didn't even
realize it was Goodie Mob until about halfway through. It
came on the radio halfway through a latenight mixshow. Cee
Lo had to start screaming at me until I realized this song
was Goodie Mob. What does this mean?

I just got stuck because I'm still thinking about the first
story I told up there....man, those were some fuckin GOOD
chicken tacos. Seriously.

I finally heard Aretha's version of "Son of a Preacher
Man." Made me wanna go to church. And pick up on someone. I

don't know if that's the desired effect or not. Has anyone
ever picked up a girl (or guy, for the lovely ladies here)
at their church? I never have, but I know I've been caught
lookin.

Speakin on bein caught lookin: Do you quickly avert your
eyes only to slyly glance back in the hopes she's still
lookin? Or do you take the gaze head on with a grin or
whatever little look you want on your face? Or do you
pretend you're looking at the amazingly low price of the
Stove Top on sale this week and comment out loud on it in
the hopes that she hears you and gets that you *really*
weren't staring at her chest.

Ladies, I'm asking you to reveal your secrets: What are you
usually thinking when you catch one of us drooling morons
looking at you? Honestly.

Latest estimate on how many people were concieved to "Let's
Get it On": 5 million, Three Hundred and Twenty Five
Thousand.

Beat Jackers and miners: I'm giving away one of my many
sample ideas: Best guitar sample and drum jack you never
heard: "Hits The Head" produced by Skeff Anselm on "Return
of The Product" By MC Serch. The lyrics are, as most Serch
lyrics are, spotty, but FUCK this beat bangs like hell.

"Apocalypse 91" is the forgotten PE classic. "Dead at Birth"

is THE intro to an album. Cinematic almost.

You ever wiped your eyes at like, 4 in the afternoon and
found out you still had those crusty ass eye boogers from
when you first woke up stuck in there somewhere? Why don't
people tell you that shit? Assholes.

I believe I've crossed the weirdness line here. But don't
fuckin front. Ya'll KNOW about the eye boogers. Just cause
you call it "rubbing the sleep out of your eyes" or some
other shit don't change that it's still boogers in your eye.

While I'm over here on the weird side, let me say this. I
really respect a female who isn't afraid to bust out a loud
fart. Girls usually try to hide that shit, yunno? "Oh, I
don't fart. I poot." What the fuck ever. I gotta respect a
girl who just lets that motherfucker go, like "What? It was
building up. Like you never farted before" BUT, don't take
this to mean this is some kind of prerequisite for me to be
dating someone. If they choose to fart privately in their
bathroom, or conceal the fart, hey, it's all gravy. But NO
farting while having sex. Absolutely. Do whatever you have
to, but do not fart while goin at it. You will not get a
return phone call, and you will be known among her
girlfriends as "That Fart Guy"

I think I've alienated whatever readers I've had. I should
stop now.

Fatboy's Theft Deterrent formula: Wash your car every six
months. bat under the front seat. Stock tape deck. Carpet
your floor with Doritos bags. Leave the door unlocked so the

potential thief can look around inside the trash heap for
his/herself and realize that there is absolutely NOTHING of
value inside this slob's car. I guarantee your ride will
never be stolen, you'll never have to pay for broken
windows, and you'll have that tasty smell of Cool Ranch
whenever you drive.

Anyway, I think I'm all done now. If you're still reading,
I'll ring the doctor to come in and check on your vitals.
You can Thank me when you come out of your coma. I'll be
here on RMHH, talking about some other stupid shit like I
usually do.