Newsgroups: rec.music.hip-hop
Subject: hello, I'm what's wrong with hip hop today...
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 1997 00:50:36 +0100

Hi,
my name is suburban hip hop experience. You might recognize me from
such tv shows as The Wayans Brothers, Brothers in Outer Space, or even
the later episodes of Martin. I represent hip hop on my terms: I've never
been to the ghetto yet I speak ebonics like it was my native tongue; I
own and promote my own label, Soak The Beans Records, and I put all my boys
out on wax because they sort of sound real; my clique consists of kung
fu drug thug, token street educator/ ghetto melody harmonizer, mr. bite
flow (who comes with a new, more popular and trendy flow every album) over-
expressive singing sister, and of course dj recycled beat. Together, we
are the Real Street Reprezentativz, and we own the radio waves, the pop
charts, the r∓mp;b charts, the top 40 charts, the rap charts, mtv jams top
five positions, and Joe Clair is our favorite comedian. We do car
commercials for only the finest foreign autos; gun commercials for our
thug listening demographic; cereal commercials for our younger audience;
clothing ads for the gq listener; and, of course, we promote several
types of liquor and cigarrettes while still maintaining our religious
integrity. We follow trends of underground-crossover acts to obtain our
new material, we bite lines, we use prerehearsed album lines for
freestyles even though none of us has breath control, and we use the
same verses in guest appearances on other rappers albums, we add to/speed
up/slow down/unnoticeably alter old school beats/pop hit beats and flow
over them for our listeners because only a select few can recognize we
are frauds with no talent. For the rest of the unknowledgable, main target
buying audience, we are mozart on speed, cranking out hit singles which
are album cuts several years from the release of the last album with no
remixes or new b-sides every time our previous single falls from number
one. If one of us were to die, we all agreed that marketing the death
as poorly tasteful as possible would be the only available strategy instead
of honoring him. We have corrupted numerous somewhat popular
underground artists by placing them with sellout wailing ghetto melody harmonizers
and marketing their underground appeal to their original audience and market
the corssover appeal to the rest of the free world. We don't do live
shows, it's all lip sinked from a bullet proof booth where non of our
excessively thuggish fan base can take a lick at us. My personal goal:
to one day be able to drive my yacht through my carribean island port
bought with drug money and record sales and drink expensive foreign liquors and
wines until I reach the predicted life expectancy of 20 for a male of my
race in apporixamately 8 years and take the music and culture I
exploited down with me...

by the way, did I mention my title recently dropped the "what's wrong
with" from its status...

peace,

--
after eight years of my life of hip hop and thinking,
the world keeps spinning, so lately I've been drinking...

Niko Suave